Have a laugh I hope
well I thought them funny.
Pigeon, pigeon in the sky,
Dropping whitewash in my eye!
I’m a big boy, I don’t cry.
I’m just glad that cows don’t fly.
An ice fishing competition was organized, in Canada, between a team of brunets and a team of blonds. The winners would be the team which caught the most fish. It became obvious, once the competition had begun, that the brunettes were winning. They were hooking out fish after fish. The blonds sent one of their team over to see how they were doing it. Seconds later she sprinted back shouting, 'A hole! We need to put a hole in the ice!'
Three blondes are walking in the woods. They come across a set of tracks.
The 1st blonde looks closely and says: "Those are moose tracks".
The 2nd blonde examines the tracks. "No, those are rabbit tracks," she says.
The 3rd blonde argues. " You're both wrong, those are tiger tracks."
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Dictionary of medical terms
Artery - Study of paintings
Bacteria - Backdoor to cafeteria
Barium - What to do when treatment fails
Bowel - Letter like A E I O or U
Caesarian Section - District in Rome
Cat Scan - Searching for Kitty
Cauterize - Make eye contact.
Colic - Sheep Dog
Coma - Punctuation Mark
Congenital - Friendly
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - Quicker
Genital - Non-Jewish
Hang Nail - Coat Hook
Impotent - Distinguished,
Labour pain - Hurt at work
Nitrate - Cheaper than day
Outpatient - Person fainted
Post op - Letter Carrier
Rectum - Dang near Killed Him
Secretion - Hiding something
Tablet - Small table
Terminal Illness - Sick at Airport
Tibia - Country in North Africa
Tumor - More than One
Urine - Opposite of 'you're out'
Varicose - Nearby
Vein - Conceited
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.- W. C. Fields
How do you keep an idiot busy? read below.
How do you keep an idiot busy? read above.
THINGS I OFTEN WONDER
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are they called "football stands" when they're made for sitting?
Why are violets blue and not violet?
Why aren't there ever any guilty bystanders?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why do people go to the unemployment office to find a job?
Why do people tell you when they are speechless?
Why do they call it 'chilli' if it's hot?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Why do they call it life insurance if you have to die to claim?
Why do they call it quicksand when it sucks you down slowly?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?
Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?
Why do we need training bras? What can we teach them?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do you feet smell and your nose runs?
Why does a dishtowel get wet when it dries?
Why does a grapefruit look nothing like a grape?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Microsoft Windows , you have to click on "Start"?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
THINGS I DON’T KNOW
What do batteries run on?
What's the synonym for thesaurus?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What if someone died in the living room?
What happens when you swallow your pride?
What do they call a French kiss in France?
What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes?
What happens if you go on a survival course - and you don't pass?
What if hell really did freeze over? What would we be using instead?
What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
When you put a sheet over your head for Halloween, are you a ghost or a mattress?
Who opened that first 'oyster' and said "My, my. Now doesn't 'this' look yummy!"
What happens if you get scared half to death, ...twice? --Steven Wright
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
When I erase a word with a rubber, where does it go?
What is the sound a name makes when it's dropped?
When we say our mind wanders - where does it go?
Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
Where does your lap go when you stand up?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Which is the other side of the street?
When day breaks who fixes it?
Do hummingbirds hum because they don't know the words?
Weary’s Good Beer Guide
Need to look up a brand or brewery try
http://beer.trash.net/index.php
There were these three little pigs. The first went into a bar and the bartender asked, "What will you have?" and the pig said ” three beers”. After he drank them he asked, " Where’s the gents? "
The bartender said down the hall.
Then another little pig came in the bar. "What will you have?" said the bartender.”, " What did my brother have? " said the little pig. The bartender said “ three beers ”, " we'll I will have six beers." After he drank them he asked, " Where’s the gents? "
The bartender said down the hall.
The last little pig came in to the bar. " What do you want? " "What did my brothers have?" The bartender said “ the first had three beers, the second had six beers” .The lone little pig said, "Give me nine beers." He drank them all then started eating the peanuts off the bar.
The bartender said, "Don't you need the bathroom?"
The last little pig said,
"No, I'm the one that goes 'wee wee wee' all the way home."
A Beer Study:
Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologise when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM : Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. CURE: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM : Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty.
CURE: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM : Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. CURE: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM : Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. CURE: See above
SYMPTOM : Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open. CURE: Retire to bathroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM : Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control.
CURE: Stand next to the dog and complain about his housetraining.
SYMPTOM : Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. CURE: Get someone to buy you another beer
SYMPTOM : Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out.
CURE: Find out if you are being taken to another pub.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Pub has closed.
CURE : Confirm home address with landlord.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspects and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
CURE : Cover mouth and give driver all your money.
Beer makes you smarter
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular attrition of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
George Bernard Shaw
Today in Parliament THE FORMATION OF A NEW COMMITTEE
In view of the widespread dissatisfaction with the time taken for government committees to produce their reports for submission to the house and the general criticism that there are to many committee’s
A Committee for the Reduction and Antiproliferation of Political Committee Officials. ( C.R.A.P.C.O. ) is to be formed by the Government. It will automatically have the same remit and remuneration’s as all the other politically appointed committees to ensure a level playing field.
This committee will not to meet until after they have had their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the minutes of the previous meeting are available. So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.
Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be confusing to the general public who otherwise might expect quick results. This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.
Minutes of the C.R.A.P,C.O. meetings will be made available in the library of the house as available.
Training Your Puppy 
Puppy owners should get a newspaper and roll it up very tight. Secure it with a rubber band and leave it on the coffee table. When the puppy piddles in the house, chews up a slipper or does anything he's not supposed to do, simply take the newspaper and bang YOURSELF on the top of your head very hard while repeating several times.
"I should have been watching the puppy!"
Things We Have Learned from Movies & T V
About Explosives: All bombs have electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. If you need to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one in the last second..
About Fighting: It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. Good guys can take more punishment than a Centurion Tank and their bones are unbreakable. You will feel no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but you will wince when a woman tries to clean your wounds. You will survive in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
About Crime Fighting: Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. During all police investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. Bad guys won’t be able to hit you with a machine gun while you will be able to hit anything you shoot at with a small revolver. All your weapons have unlimited ammunition. Ricochets will make the same sound no matter what they hit.
About Accommodation: When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. All beds have special shaped sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noise in their most revealing underwear.
About Computers: Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society. There is always some kid available who can break into any totally secure computer system for you. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
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About Travel: When driving down a straight road you must turn the steering wheel vigourously from left to right every few moments. Tires will squeal on any surface, at any speed. Any wagons or carriages on moving trains can be uncoupled by hand. People can jump onto any airborne helicopter without upsetting the power to weight ratio. . It's easy for you to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
If you buy some powdered water, what do you add to reconstruct it.?
How young can you die of old age?
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include
a free trip around the sun every year.
How long a minute is depends on what
side of the bathroom door you're on.
Ever notice that people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
Courtesy of David Boulton from Aus
Things I Sometimes Wonder ?
How can someone draw a blank
Do steam rollers really roll steam
Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed
Can you buy a full chess set in a pawnshop
Could crop-circles be the work of a cereal killer
How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over
How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold
On the chest of a barmaid in Sale
Is tattooed the price of brown ale
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Is the same information, in braille
Teaching the Bird a Lesson
David received a fully grown parrot for his birthday unfortunately the parrot had a bad attitude and even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive or to say at least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude, constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example but nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and swear and scream then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute, 
David thinking that he might have hurt the bird quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto his arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." Astonished at the bird's change in attitude and he was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
Why do you need an appointment
to see a psychic.?
Extract from the annual report of the
(Association of Blonde Scientists.)
2006 Top 10 Inventions
1) The waterproof towel
2) Solar powered torch
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9) Pedal-powered wheel chair
10) Waterproof tea bag
I Wonder ? What happens if you are in a car going the
speed of light and you turn your headlights on?
"Software development today is a race between programmers trying to create bigger, better, and more idiot proof programs, and the Universe trying to create bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
W.C. Fields
To err is human, To blame others even more so
Gordon Brown came across a little boy selling puppies. he stopped and asks the boy "What kind of puppies are they?" The boy said , "They're New Labour puppies mister". George smiled and walked off. Later he mentioned it to his spin doctor who suggested that they arrange a photo opportunity. The next day, photographers at the ready, George stopped by the boy and his puppies and asked again, "What kind of puppies are they?"
The boy replied, "They're Conservative puppies, mister." "Conservative" Gordon asked. "yesterday you said they were Labour puppies." The boy replied, "yes mister they were but since then they opened their eyes."
A blonde calls her husband at work and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?" "Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?" "Well, I started a really hard jigsaw and I can't even find the edge pieces." He said "look on the box, there's always a picture of what the puzzle is." She then told him it was a big chicken.
When the hubby gets home he takes one look at the table and says, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."
AN ENGLISHMAN, AN IRISHMAN AND A SCOTSMAN
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.
The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.
The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.
The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, "Come on you little git, spit it out!"
Bad Escape Plan
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. When he decided to go fishing, he had to take her along. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!". "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. The boy said,
“It wasn’t that. She ate all the bait.”